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I am fed up of masturbating can we  PLEASE wrap this shit up
Imagine surviving all that unprotected sex only to die from an unprotected  handshake
me two weeks ago: "Holy shit, Boston Marathon is canceled"  me now: "Holy shit, I'm unemployed"
Can y'all just stay inside?  I got shit to do in June
Home treadmill in 2019: frowned upon Home treadmill in 2020: encouraged
Email notification: "Be on the lookout, your running gear arrives Thursday"   Me: WHEN IS THAT
My mind:  get up and take a shower My body:  who gonna see you tho
Isolation update:  everyone has their windows open and someone in the  building next to mine was having  sex and she came super loud  and then a bunch of people  cheered lmao
(18 months from now) ME (weeping): it's so beautiful  STRANGER: ma'am this is the  longest porta-potty line EVER ME (weeping harder): I KNOW
When you wake up with throat pain and cough in the morning "My time has come"
Medals don't impress me.... Unless they are my medals
Shoutout to my immune system
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